Witnessing a Suicide

[TW: graphic description of suicide]

It’s been hard to write this story. Firstly because it’s a sad event to recollect, but also because I feel like it reads that I’m pitying myself when the real victim in all of this is the person who ended their life, not me. I never found out anything about the person and I often wonder what was going on in their life to drive them to such a horrible end. I’ve always wanted to know at least their name- I don’t know if that’s sick but it’s just how I feel. To talk about this story without sharing this person’s own perspective makes me feel selfish and somewhat like I am dehumanising them. But I can’t tell their story because I don’t know it. But I can tell you how I felt throughout it.

This took place last year when I was on a train home after a day out with an old friend. It was darkening outside and it was during peak hours so the train was pretty full. All of a sudden there was a loud bang followed by a number of subsequent smaller ones. At the same time the train jolted violently almost as if we were crossing over solid debris. My initial instinct was that we were derailing. Multiple people in the carriage let out gasps and exclamations and then there was silence as the train made an emergency stop.

As soon as we had stopped the awful thought came into my head- that might have been a person. I shared this worry with the passenger opposite me but he shrugged and said that if it was a person it would’ve been one impact and not multiple.

I wasn’t convinced. My mind kept playing back the sound and I could almost feel the sensation of the train jolting repeating itself in my stomach. I felt sick knowing that those jolts we felt may have been our carriage rolling over a person’s body.

It had been 10 minutes since the impact and finally the guard spoke over the tannoy. I don’t remember exactly what he said but something about being sorry for the interruption but we may have struck something on the tracks and are waiting for transport staff to confirm.

He came back about 20 minutes later to confirm that a person had been struck by the train and the train was now a crime scene and needed to be evacuated.

With my fears confirmed, I completely broke down. I couldn’t stop crying and just needed to escape. We were in a wooded area and the wifi and phone signal kept cutting out so I was struggling to hold a conversation with a reassuring friend. It was now dark outside and that just made the whole situation feel even more scary.

Just sitting in my seat made me feel sick, like I was sitting on a person’s corpse. My mind kept torturing me with disgusting images of how it may have played out outside, of how the person’s body may have been destroyed by the train.

We were stuck on the train for hours waiting for the police to allow us to leave and get on a rescue train. At one point I was standing in a corridor at the one place I could find phone signal to try and call my mum when all the lights went out and we were in pitch darkness. I couldn’t control it anymore and I spiralled and broke down screaming and crying and having a panic attack. I got odd stares from a lot of passengers but at one point a lady must have dragged me to her seat because when I gained back my composure I was now sitting with her.

She was great. She knew nothing could make it better so she just told me about her day. I wish I had been in a mind-set to tell her thanks. It helped to be able to focus on what she was saying and not what was happening.

Nearly 4 hours later the rescue train arrived and we were all squeezed into a 4 coach train. There was no space for everyone so we were stuck shoulder to shoulder. Naturally I had another panic attack here.

Something did stand out to me throughout this. No one else was crying. Some people were complaining about the delay to their journey and someone even joked about how ‘it’ll be an interesting story to share later’. I just didn’t understand how everyone could be so calm in response to what had just happened. Maybe they all felt the same as me but were able to hide it better- who knows. But when I got home and shared the experience with people I know, a lot of people didn’t seem of the impression that it was a big deal, with one person saying that I was overreacting and it wasn’t like I physically saw the person do it. Perhaps my eyes did not witness it but my other senses did and the sound and sensation was awful.

But what impact did this have on me beyond the day itself?

• It made me change my outlook on suicide. When this happened I was in a bad place and had been having suicidal thoughts for a while. Being present for someone else doing it, suicide was now something that scared me rather than intrigued me.
• I avoid trains at all costs now. I’ve been on about 5 trains since and each time its been nerve wracking, particularly if it’s dark outside. It’s been easier when I’ve had someone with me to distract me but I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to enjoy train travel again.
• I realised that the general public can be both heartless and full of heart. The lady who helped me through a panic attack was amazing but she was 1 face in a crowd of people who were mainly complaining about the delay.
• I’ve read up about The Samaritains’ #SmallTalkSavesLives campaign and often share their content to encourage people I know to start a conversation if they see someone at a station looking at risk.

I can’t imagine how traumatising it must have been for the driver, and this is where my one feeling of anger towards the victim comes into play. I was reading a news article a little while back about how many train drivers end up in therapy for PTSD following rail suicides. The individual who took his life that night can feel pain no more, but his pain will have been passed on to the driver, his friends and family, the crime scene police and the passengers. I hate when people describe suicide as selfish but I could understand that argument in this situation. A part of the victim must have known that his actions will negatively effect a lot of people, surely.

I’d like to wrap up by linking a video from The Samaritans.

If there had been someone near by, just a quick, ‘you alright?’ may have distracted that person from their suicidal thoughts and stopped a tragedy from occurring.

Look after each-other and react if you see someone near a track or at a station looking uneasy. Small talk really does save lives.